Romeo and Juliet Act 2 Scene 4
A street. Later that morning.
The Original
Plain Modern English
Enter Benvolio and Mercutio.
Mercutio
Where the devil should this Romeo be?
Came he not home to-night?
Mercutio
Where the devil is this Romeo?
Didn't he come home last night?
Benvolio
Not to his father's; I spoke with his man.
Benvolio
Not to his father's house — I spoke to his servant.
Mercutio
Ah, that same pale hard-hearted wench, that Rosaline.
Torments him so, that he will sure run mad.
Mercutio
Ah, that pale, hard-hearted girl Rosaline
is tormenting him so badly he'll go insane.
Benvolio
Tybalt, the kinsman of old Capulet,
Hath sent a letter to his father's house.
Benvolio
Tybalt, old Capulet's relative,
has sent a letter to Romeo's father's house.
Mercutio
A challenge, on my life.
Mercutio
A challenge to a duel, I'd bet my life.
Benvolio
Romeo will answer it.
Benvolio
Romeo will answer it.
Mercutio
Any man that can write may answer a letter.
Mercutio
Anyone who can write can answer a letter.
Benvolio
Nay, he will answer the letter's master, how he
dares, being dared.
Benvolio
No — he'll answer the man who wrote it: dare for
dare, now that he's been dared.
Mercutio
Alas poor Romeo! he is already dead; stabbed with a
white wench's black eye; shot through the ear with a
love-song; the very pin of his heart cleft with the
blind bow-boy's butt-shaft: and is he a man to
encounter Tybalt?
Mercutio
Poor Romeo! He's already dead — stabbed by a
pale girl's dark eye, shot through the ear with a
love song, the bullseye of his heart split by
blind Cupid's toy arrow. And he's the man to
take on Tybalt?
Benvolio
Why, what is Tybalt?
Benvolio
What's so special about Tybalt?
Mercutio
More than prince of cats, I can tell you. O, he is
the courageous captain of compliments. He fights as
you sing prick-song, keeps time, distance, and
proportion; rests me his minim rest, one, two, and
the third in your bosom: the very butcher of a silk
button, a duellist, a duellist; a gentleman of the
very first house, of the first and second cause:
ah, the immortal passado! the punto reverso! the hai!
Mercutio
More than the Prince of Cats, I'll tell you that. He's
the brave captain of etiquette. He fights the way
you sing sheet music — keeping time, distance,
and proportion. He pauses a beat: one, two, and
the third is in your chest. He's a butcher of silk
buttons — a duellist, a duellist! A gentleman of the
finest fencing school, expert in every formal excuse for a fight.
Ah — the immortal lunge! The backhand thrust! The hit!
Benvolio
The what?
Benvolio
The what?
Mercutio
The pox of such antic, lisping, affecting
fantasticoes; these new tuners of accents! 'By Jesu,
a very good blade! a very tall man! a very good
whore!' Why, is not this a lamentable thing,
grandsire, that we should be thus afflicted with
these strange flies, these fashion-mongers, these
perdona-mi's, who stand so much on the new form,
that they cannot at ease on the old bench? O, their
bones, their bones!
Mercutio
A plague on these ridiculous, lisping, affected
show-offs with their fashionable new accents. 'By God,
what a fine blade! What a tall man! What a fine
woman!' Isn't it a sad thing, grandfather,
that we have to put up with
these strange insects, these fashion-peddlers, these
'pardon-me' types, so obsessed with the new style
they can't sit comfortably on an old bench? Oh, their
bones, their bones!
Enter Romeo.
Benvolio
Here comes Romeo, here comes Romeo.
Benvolio
Here comes Romeo, here comes Romeo.
Mercutio
Without his roe, like a dried herring: flesh, flesh,
how art thou fishified! Now is he for the numbers
that Petrarch flowed in: Laura to his lady was but a
kitchen-wench; marry, she had a better love to
be-rhyme her; Dido a dowdy; Cleopatra a gipsy;
Helen and Hero hildings and harlots; Thisbe a grey
eye or so, but not to the purpose. Signior
Romeo, bon jour! there's a French salutation
to your French slop. You gave us the counterfeit
fairly last night.
Mercutio
Gutted like a dried herring! Flesh, flesh,
how you've turned to fish! Now he's all about the poetry
Petrarch wrote in. Compared to his girl, Petrarch's Laura was a
kitchen maid — though she had a better poet
to write about her. Dido's a frump, Cleopatra a gypsy,
Helen and Hero worthless tramps, Thisbe had nice grey
eyes but never mind. Signor
Romeo, bonjour! There's a French greeting
for your French trousers. You cheated us
properly last night.
Romeo
Good morrow to you both. What counterfeit did I give you?
Romeo
Good morning to you both. How did I cheat you?
Mercutio
The ship, sir, the slip; can you not conceive?
Mercutio
You gave us the slip, sir. Don't you get it?
Romeo
Pardon, good Mercutio, my business was great; and in
such a case as mine a man may strain courtesy.
Romeo
Sorry, Mercutio — my business was important, and in
a situation like mine a man can stretch good manners.
Mercutio
That's as much as to say, such a case as yours
constrains a man to bow in the hams.
Mercutio
Meaning a situation like yours
forces a man to bend at the hips.
Romeo
Meaning, to court'sy.
Romeo
Meaning to bow politely.
Mercutio
Thou hast most kindly hit it.
Mercutio
You've hit it exactly.
Romeo
A most courteous exposition.
Romeo
A very courteous explanation.
Mercutio
Nay, I am the very pink of courtesy.
Mercutio
I'm the very pink of courtesy.
Romeo
Pink for flower.
Romeo
Pink, as in the flower.
Mercutio
Right.
Mercutio
Right.
Romeo
Why, then is my pump well flowered.
Romeo
Then my shoe is well flowered. (Shoes were decorated with punched flower patterns.)
Mercutio
Well said: follow me this jest now till thou hast
worn out thy pump, that when the single sole of it
is worn, the jest may remain after the wearing sole singular.
Mercutio
Good one. Now keep that joke going until you've
worn your shoe out, so when the single sole
wears through, the joke will be left standing — solely singular.
Romeo
O single-soled jest, solely singular for the singleness.
Romeo
Oh, what a thin-soled joke — uniquely feeble in its thinness.
Mercutio
Come between us, good Benvolio; my wits faint.
Mercutio
Step in, Benvolio — my wits are giving out.
Romeo
Switch and spurs, switch and spurs; or I'll cry a match.
Romeo
Whip and spurs, whip and spurs — or I'll declare victory.
Mercutio
Nay, if thy wits run the wild-goose chase, I have
done, for thou hast more of the wild-goose in one of
thy wits than, I am sure, I have in my whole five:
was I with you there for the goose?
Mercutio
If your wit's going on a wild goose chase, I'm
done — you've got more wild goose in one of
your wits than I have in all five of mine.
Did I get you there, with the goose?
Romeo
Thou wast never with me for any thing when thou wast
not there for the goose.
Romeo
You were never with me for anything except
being a goose.
Mercutio
I will bite thee by the ear for that jest.
Mercutio
I'll bite your ear for that joke.
Romeo
Nay, good goose, bite not.
Romeo
No, good goose — don't bite.
Mercutio
Thy wit is a very bitter sweeting; it is a most sharp sauce.
Mercutio
Your wit's a bitter apple — a very sharp sauce.
Romeo
And is it not well served in to a sweet goose?
Romeo
And isn't sharp sauce perfect with a sweet goose?
Mercutio
O here's a wit of cheveril, that stretches from an
inch narrow to an ell broad!
Mercutio
Here's a wit made of kid leather — it stretches from an
inch to a yard!
Romeo
I stretch it out for that word 'broad;' which added
to the goose, proves thee far and wide a broad goose.
Romeo
I'll stretch it for the word 'broad,' which added
to 'goose' proves you a broad goose, far and wide.
Mercutio
Why, is not this better now than groaning for love?
now art thou sociable, now art thou Romeo; now art
thou what thou art, by art as well as by nature:
for this drivelling love is like a great natural,
that runs lolling up and down to hide his bauble in a hole.
Mercutio
Now isn't this better than moaning about love?
Now you're good company, now you're Romeo, now you're
what you are by skill as well as by nature.
This drivelling love is like a big idiot
lolloping around looking for somewhere to stash his toy. (Another joke Mercutio should not have made.)
Benvolio
Stop there, stop there.
Benvolio
Stop there. Stop right there.
Mercutio
Thou desirest me to stop in my tale against the hair.
Mercutio
You want me to stop my tale against the grain.
Benvolio
Thou wouldst else have made thy tale large.
Benvolio
Otherwise you'd have made your tale too long.
Mercutio
O, thou art deceived; I would have made it short:
for I was come to the whole depth of my tale; and
meant, indeed, to occupy the argument no longer.
Mercutio
You're wrong — I'd have kept it short.
I'd got to the bottom of my tale and
meant to drop the subject there.
Romeo
Here's goodly gear!
Romeo
Well, look at this!
Enter Nurse and Peter.
Mercutio
A sail, a sail!
Mercutio
A ship, a ship!
Benvolio
Two, two; a shirt and a smock.
Benvolio
Two of them — a man and a woman.
Nurse
Peter!
Nurse
Peter!
Peter
Anon!
Peter
Coming!
Nurse
My fan, Peter.
Nurse
My fan, Peter.
Mercutio
Good Peter, to hide her face; for her fan's the fairer face.
Mercutio
Yes, Peter — to hide her face. The fan's the better-looking of the two.
Nurse
God ye good morrow, gentlemen.
Nurse
Good morning to you, gentlemen.
Mercutio
God ye good den, fair gentlewoman.
Mercutio
Good afternoon to you, fair lady.
Nurse
Is it good den?
Nurse
Is it afternoon already?
Mercutio
'Tis no less, I tell you, for the bawdy hand of the
dial is now upon the prick of noon.
Mercutio
It certainly is — the naughty hand of the
clock is right on the point of noon. (He has managed to make telling the time filthy.)
Nurse
Out upon you! what a man are you!
Nurse
Shame on you! What kind of man are you?
Romeo
One, gentlewoman, that God hath made for himself to mar.
Romeo
The kind, madam, that God made for himself to ruin.
Nurse
By my troth, it is well said; 'for himself to mar,'
quoth a'? Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where I
may find the young Romeo?
Nurse
Honestly, that's well put — 'for himself to ruin,'
he says. Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where
I can find young Romeo?
Romeo
I can tell you; but young Romeo will be older when
you have found him than he was when you sought him:
I am the youngest of that name, for fault of a worse.
Romeo
I can tell you — though young Romeo will be older when
you find him than when you started looking.
I'm the youngest of that name, for lack of a worse one.
Nurse
You say well.
Nurse
Well said.
Mercutio
Yea, is the worst well? very well took, i' faith;
wisely, wisely.
Mercutio
The worst is 'well,' is it? Nicely taken, honestly —
very wise, very wise.
Nurse
if you be he, sir, I desire some confidence with you.
Nurse
If you're him, sir, I'd like a private word with you.
Benvolio
She will indite him to some supper.
Benvolio
She's going to invite him to dinner.
Mercutio
A bawd, a bawd, a bawd! so ho!
Mercutio
A pimp, a pimp, a pimp! Tally-ho!
Romeo
What hast thou found?
Romeo
What have you found?
Mercutio
No hare, sir; unless a hare, sir, in a lenten pie,
that is something stale and hoar ere it be spent.
Mercutio
No rabbit, sir — unless a rabbit in a meatless pie,
something gone stale and mouldy before it's eaten. (A pun on 'hoar' and a word he shouldn't be using about her.)
He sings a rude little song about an old grey hare — a joke at the Nurse's expense that does not translate and does not deserve to.
Mercutio
Romeo, will you come to your father's? we'll
to dinner, thither.
Mercutio
Romeo, are you coming to your father's? We'll
have dinner there.
Romeo
I will follow you.
Romeo
I'll follow you.
Mercutio
Farewell, ancient lady; farewell, 'lady, lady, lady.'
Mercutio
Farewell, ancient lady. Farewell — 'lady, lady, lady.'
Exeunt Mercutio and Benvolio.
Nurse
Marry, farewell! I pray you, sir, what saucy
merchant was this, that was so full of his ropery?
Nurse
Good riddance! Tell me, sir — who was that insolent
fellow, so full of his own filthy jokes?
Romeo
A gentleman, nurse, that loves to hear himself talk,
and will speak more in a minute than he will stand
to in a month.
Romeo
A gentleman, Nurse, who loves the sound of his own voice
and will say more in a minute than he'll stand behind
in a month.
Nurse
An a' speak any thing against me, I'll take him
down, an a' were lustier than he is, and twenty such
Jacks; and if I cannot, I'll find those that shall.
Scurvy knave! I am none of his flirt-gills; I am
none of his skains-mates. And thou must stand by
too, and suffer every knave to use me at his pleasure?
Nurse
If he says anything against me, I'll take him
down a peg, even if he were stronger, and twenty like him.
And if I can't, I'll find someone who can.
Rotten scoundrel! I'm not one of his loose women — I'm not
one of his cutthroat companions. And you just stood there
and let every scoundrel treat me however he liked?
Peter
I saw no man use you a pleasure; if I had, my weapon
should quickly have been out, I warrant you: I dare
draw as soon as another man, if I see occasion in a
good quarrel, and the law on my side.
Peter
I didn't see any man treat you badly. If I had, my sword
would have been out fast, I promise you. I dare
draw as quick as anyone, if I see cause in a
good fight — with the law on my side.
Nurse
Now, afore God, I am so vexed, that every part about
me quivers. Scurvy knave! Pray you, sir, a word:
and as I told you, my young lady bade me inquire you
out; what she bade me say, I will keep to myself:
but first let me tell ye, if ye should lead her into
a fool's paradise, as they say, it were a very gross
kind of behavior, as they say: for the gentlewoman
is young; and, therefore, if you should deal double
with her, truly it were an ill thing to be offered
to any gentlewoman, and very weak dealing.
Nurse
Before God, I'm so upset that every part of me
is trembling. Rotten scoundrel! — Now, sir, a word:
as I said, my young lady told me to seek you
out. What she told me to say, I'll keep to myself for now.
But first let me say — if you're leading her into
a fool's paradise, as they say, that would be very poor
behaviour indeed. Because the young lady
is young, and if you were to double-cross
her, it really would be a wicked thing to do
to any young lady — very shabby dealing.
Romeo
Nurse, commend me to thy lady and mistress. I
protest unto thee—
Romeo
Nurse, give my regards to your lady. I
swear to you—
Nurse
Good heart, and, i' faith, I will tell her as much:
Lord, Lord, she will be a joyful woman.
Nurse
Bless you, and I'll tell her exactly that.
Lord, Lord — she'll be a happy woman.
Romeo
What wilt thou tell her, nurse? thou dost not mark me.
Romeo
What will you tell her, Nurse? You're not listening to me.
Nurse
I will tell her, sir, that you do protest; which, as
I take it, is a gentlemanlike offer.
Nurse
I'll tell her, sir, that you swear — which, as
I understand it, is a gentlemanly offer.
Romeo
Bid her devise
Some means to come to shrift this afternoon;
And there she shall at Friar Laurence' cell
Be shrived and married. Here is for thy pains.
Romeo
Tell her to find
some excuse to come to confession this afternoon.
There, at Friar Laurence's cell,
she'll be confessed and married. Here's something for your trouble.
Nurse
No truly sir; not a penny.
Nurse
No really, sir — not a penny.
Romeo
Go to; I say you shall.
Romeo
Come on. I insist.
Nurse
This afternoon, sir? well, she shall be there.
Nurse
This afternoon, sir? Well then — she'll be there.
Romeo
And stay, good nurse, behind the abbey wall:
Within this hour my man shall be with thee
And bring thee cords made like a tackled stair;
Which to the high top-gallant of my joy
Must be my convoy in the secret night.
Farewell; be trusty, and I'll quit thy pains:
Farewell; commend me to thy mistress.
Romeo
And wait, good Nurse, behind the abbey wall.
Within the hour my servant will meet you
and bring you a rope ladder,
which will carry me to the very top
of my happiness in the secret night.
Goodbye. Be reliable and I'll repay your trouble.
Goodbye — my regards to your mistress.
Nurse
Now God in heaven bless thee! Hark you, sir.
Nurse
God in heaven bless you! — Listen, sir.
Romeo
What say'st thou, my dear nurse?
Romeo
What is it, dear Nurse?
Nurse
Is your man secret? Did you ne'er hear say,
Two may keep counsel, putting one away?
Nurse
Can your servant keep a secret? Haven't you heard the saying:
two can keep a secret if you get rid of one of them?
Romeo
I warrant thee, my man's as true as steel.
Romeo
I promise you, my man's as reliable as steel.
Nurse
Well, sir; my mistress is the sweetest lady—Lord,
Lord! when 'twas a little prating thing:—O, there
is a nobleman in town, one Paris, that would fain
lay knife aboard; but she, good soul, had as lief
see a toad, a very toad, as see him. I anger her
sometimes and tell her that Paris is the properer
man; but, I'll warrant you, when I say so, she looks
as pale as any clout in the versal world. Doth not
rosemary and Romeo begin both with a letter?
Nurse
Well, sir, my mistress is the sweetest lady — Lord,
Lord, when she was a little chattering thing! — Oh, there's
a nobleman in town, a Paris, who'd love to
stake his claim. But she, poor soul, would rather
look at a toad — a literal toad — than at him. I annoy her
sometimes by telling her Paris is the better-looking
man. But I promise you, when I say it she goes
as pale as any sheet in the whole world. Don't
'rosemary' and 'Romeo' start with the same letter?
Romeo
Ay, nurse; what of that? both with an R.
Romeo
Yes, Nurse — what of it? Both with an R.
Nurse
Ah. mocker! that's the dog's name; R is for
the—No; I know it begins with some other
letter:—and she hath the prettiest sententious of
it, of you and rosemary, that it would do you good
to hear it.
Nurse
Oh, you tease! That's the dog's letter — R is for—
no. I know it starts with some other
letter. And she has the prettiest sayings about
you and rosemary — it would do you good
to hear them.
Romeo
Commend me to thy lady.
Romeo
Give my regards to your lady.
Nurse
Ay, a thousand times.
Nurse
A thousand times over.
Exit Romeo.
Nurse
Peter!
Nurse
Peter!
Peter
Anon!
Peter
Coming!
Nurse
Peter, take my fan, and go before and apace.
Nurse
Peter, take my fan and walk ahead — quickly.
Exeunt.